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An excerpt from Tammy Plumtummet's Tome of Terrible and Terrific Things, Volume IV, Part 1, Chapter 206:
CELEBRITIES: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Pymtum Nimblebeans was not nimble, despite his namesake, and if he had any beans they wouldn't have been nimble either, but rather a snack at the first available moment. Affectionately known as "Gord" to his friends, family, and co-workers, Pymtum was quite probably the largest Halfling [1] in girth they had ever seen (and let it be known they had seen quite a few, being halflings themselves).
Pymtum, hereafter known as Gord, claimed fame some time after his twenty-third birthday, and a good two weeks before his close friend Hardiwonk Littlegust was eaten by a troll [2]. Gord found himself waddling home for a lonely evening of spindlecard and washing his cats when he clumsily dropped a rather large and scrumptious meatball in the dirt. Never one to let a delectable morsel go to waste, Gord reached down, plucked up the dirt covered thing, and bit down.
Imagine his surprise, then, when Gord's teeth met metal, and instead of finding a bountiful ball of pork and beef he instead found a old, mud covered coin. Curiously enough, Gord had the rather dumb fortune of finding what appeared to be one of only two known remaining gold coins from the long dead [3] Dread Pirate Mandele's infamous horde. It was not long before word spread of Gord's find, and not much longer after that he secured an interested buyer from Amn for the rare coin. His profit was sickening [4].
With his new found riches, Gord set out to squander his fortune, and in the process missed the funeral of his aforementioned friend Hardiwonk [5]. Never wanting to be without meat, Gord purchased a cattle farm with part of his substantial fortune [6]. And, being a canine lover, the entrepreneurial Halfling bought a very large, very aggressive cat named Hissy(-fit) that also had a fondness for meat [7]. Tragically, after Hissy had consumed each and every bovine available, she turned her rather large maws to Gord.
Had Gord not been a succulent morsel worth savoring, the gristle-like Halfling would have died before his life warranted an entry in the Tome of Terrible and Terrific Things. However, because Hissy enjoyed playing with its food (much like the master it nearly dined on), local authorities were able to discover the danger when Gord did not answer to accept his daily food delivery. To add to Gord's misfortune, it was later discovered by the buyer that the coin was an elaborate counterfeit, and the Halfling was subsequently taken for all he was worth.
Saved from the jaws of death, though destitute, Gord committed to changing his life and lost a dramatic three pounds. More importantly, Gord discovered the near death experience caused him to start speaking faster. He took a position at a local auction house and to his, and everyone else's, surprise, Gord thrived as the auctioneer. To this day, Pymtum "Gord" Nimblebeans serves as M. M. Hibbert & Sons' highest revenue generating employee [8]. Amazingly, Gord was able to auction off Lord Heedon of Neverwinter's mucus rag, Sir Gallaway's Observations on Beetle Dung, and Lady Tremeire's riveting If I Were a Man -- all at record numbers.
REFERENCES
[1] "Size matters" (TPTTTT, Volume I, Part 101)
[2] "Acceptable occurances of canibalism" (TPTTTT, Volume IV, Part 18)
[3] "Scurvy, or just the black plague?" (TPTTTT, Volume I, Part 3)
[4] "Things that induce vomiting" (TPTTTT, Volume II, Part 59)
[5] "Top insults to roll over in your grave for" (TPTTTT, Volume I, Part 404)
[6] "Irresponsible uses of incredibly large sums of money" (TPTTTT, Volume III, Part 10)
[7] "Feeding habits of the (partially) domesticated dire-tiger" (TPTTTT, Volume I, Part 851)
[8] "People who talk fast" (TPTTTT, Volume IV, Part 608).
CELEBRITIES: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Pymtum Nimblebeans was not nimble, despite his namesake, and if he had any beans they wouldn't have been nimble either, but rather a snack at the first available moment. Affectionately known as "Gord" to his friends, family, and co-workers, Pymtum was quite probably the largest Halfling [1] in girth they had ever seen (and let it be known they had seen quite a few, being halflings themselves).
Pymtum, hereafter known as Gord, claimed fame some time after his twenty-third birthday, and a good two weeks before his close friend Hardiwonk Littlegust was eaten by a troll [2]. Gord found himself waddling home for a lonely evening of spindlecard and washing his cats when he clumsily dropped a rather large and scrumptious meatball in the dirt. Never one to let a delectable morsel go to waste, Gord reached down, plucked up the dirt covered thing, and bit down.
Imagine his surprise, then, when Gord's teeth met metal, and instead of finding a bountiful ball of pork and beef he instead found a old, mud covered coin. Curiously enough, Gord had the rather dumb fortune of finding what appeared to be one of only two known remaining gold coins from the long dead [3] Dread Pirate Mandele's infamous horde. It was not long before word spread of Gord's find, and not much longer after that he secured an interested buyer from Amn for the rare coin. His profit was sickening [4].
With his new found riches, Gord set out to squander his fortune, and in the process missed the funeral of his aforementioned friend Hardiwonk [5]. Never wanting to be without meat, Gord purchased a cattle farm with part of his substantial fortune [6]. And, being a canine lover, the entrepreneurial Halfling bought a very large, very aggressive cat named Hissy(-fit) that also had a fondness for meat [7]. Tragically, after Hissy had consumed each and every bovine available, she turned her rather large maws to Gord.
Had Gord not been a succulent morsel worth savoring, the gristle-like Halfling would have died before his life warranted an entry in the Tome of Terrible and Terrific Things. However, because Hissy enjoyed playing with its food (much like the master it nearly dined on), local authorities were able to discover the danger when Gord did not answer to accept his daily food delivery. To add to Gord's misfortune, it was later discovered by the buyer that the coin was an elaborate counterfeit, and the Halfling was subsequently taken for all he was worth.
Saved from the jaws of death, though destitute, Gord committed to changing his life and lost a dramatic three pounds. More importantly, Gord discovered the near death experience caused him to start speaking faster. He took a position at a local auction house and to his, and everyone else's, surprise, Gord thrived as the auctioneer. To this day, Pymtum "Gord" Nimblebeans serves as M. M. Hibbert & Sons' highest revenue generating employee [8]. Amazingly, Gord was able to auction off Lord Heedon of Neverwinter's mucus rag, Sir Gallaway's Observations on Beetle Dung, and Lady Tremeire's riveting If I Were a Man -- all at record numbers.
REFERENCES
[1] "Size matters" (TPTTTT, Volume I, Part 101)
[2] "Acceptable occurances of canibalism" (TPTTTT, Volume IV, Part 18)
[3] "Scurvy, or just the black plague?" (TPTTTT, Volume I, Part 3)
[4] "Things that induce vomiting" (TPTTTT, Volume II, Part 59)
[5] "Top insults to roll over in your grave for" (TPTTTT, Volume I, Part 404)
[6] "Irresponsible uses of incredibly large sums of money" (TPTTTT, Volume III, Part 10)
[7] "Feeding habits of the (partially) domesticated dire-tiger" (TPTTTT, Volume I, Part 851)
[8] "People who talk fast" (TPTTTT, Volume IV, Part 608).