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Within the Temple of the Triumvirate, Secalia Amiolasi kneels herself at the altar located in the infirmary, devoted to Ilmater.
"My heart feels so heavy, so weighted as if it would plunge me into seas that are mired by despair, self-pity, and loathing. I feel burdened by things that feel so beyond my control, things so frustrating. So important, but impossible.
And I feel selfish. Hoping, wishing for things that become the very blocks I stumble upon, like hurdles in my faith, where they should not be. I desperately want things to happen that will not happen. I wish to have things I do not. I hope to help where it proves without consequence or disastrous.
And these things become things I resent. That they'd be so strongly a focus of mine, and yet coming to not pass, they become things I wish to tear from my being and hurl away. To discard, as if it would make me better. But I know it's not so. I know tearing myself apart will prove nothing. It will benefit nothing.
I desire to rage, and scream, and cry. I desire to have what I want, like some child, who would throw a tantrum, believing that if he invests more of himself emotionally it must somehow come to pass. But it is not so. Like the child's voice becoming hoarse, I feel exhausted. I feel so exceedingly tired.
I have lost my purpose. I have lost my direction. I have lost my goals. My frustration with one thing can not simply be replaced by focusing on another as I have tried. Each thing, each event, it has taken its toll, and I have acted as if each thing could be conveniently placed away, and I could then move onto the next while being unburdened.
I desired for things so dearly. I desired events to unfold differently. I trusted even that they would. And when they crumbled, I lost the real faiths I promised to always keep. How can I have forgotten, Ilmater? How could I have done all of this and not have been moved by you? I desired to be accepted. I desired to be heard. I desired to make a difference.
And I've forgotten you are everything, Ilmater. I hoped so strongly for things that I had forgotten that it all pales in comparison to you. We are not all meant to receive the things that we desire, that we hope for. And I accept that now, Ilmater. I am sorry, so desperately sorry, for allowing it to distract me from what is most important. I am sorry for losing sight of what it means to be one of yours.
I am a frail, a weak creature. And despite everything, every failure and transgression, you still love me. For all the comfort, the love, the embraces I wish to have, you fulfill all of such. Every contact, every touch does not compare to what you offer. I am so sorry for forgetting such.
Ilmater, help me. Help me become the vessel for your word. For your love, for your compassion, for your actions in this world. Remind me of why it matters. Remind me of why it's so important. Remind me of you.
I will shoulder those burdens once again. It is a small thing in comparison to help others. It is such an infintismal thing in comparison to seeing someone relieved. Someone comforted.
You calm my breath. You sooth my soul. You still my heart.
I kneel broken before you, and you uplift me once again. Thank you. Thank you so much."
"My heart feels so heavy, so weighted as if it would plunge me into seas that are mired by despair, self-pity, and loathing. I feel burdened by things that feel so beyond my control, things so frustrating. So important, but impossible.
And I feel selfish. Hoping, wishing for things that become the very blocks I stumble upon, like hurdles in my faith, where they should not be. I desperately want things to happen that will not happen. I wish to have things I do not. I hope to help where it proves without consequence or disastrous.
And these things become things I resent. That they'd be so strongly a focus of mine, and yet coming to not pass, they become things I wish to tear from my being and hurl away. To discard, as if it would make me better. But I know it's not so. I know tearing myself apart will prove nothing. It will benefit nothing.
I desire to rage, and scream, and cry. I desire to have what I want, like some child, who would throw a tantrum, believing that if he invests more of himself emotionally it must somehow come to pass. But it is not so. Like the child's voice becoming hoarse, I feel exhausted. I feel so exceedingly tired.
I have lost my purpose. I have lost my direction. I have lost my goals. My frustration with one thing can not simply be replaced by focusing on another as I have tried. Each thing, each event, it has taken its toll, and I have acted as if each thing could be conveniently placed away, and I could then move onto the next while being unburdened.
I desired for things so dearly. I desired events to unfold differently. I trusted even that they would. And when they crumbled, I lost the real faiths I promised to always keep. How can I have forgotten, Ilmater? How could I have done all of this and not have been moved by you? I desired to be accepted. I desired to be heard. I desired to make a difference.
And I've forgotten you are everything, Ilmater. I hoped so strongly for things that I had forgotten that it all pales in comparison to you. We are not all meant to receive the things that we desire, that we hope for. And I accept that now, Ilmater. I am sorry, so desperately sorry, for allowing it to distract me from what is most important. I am sorry for losing sight of what it means to be one of yours.
I am a frail, a weak creature. And despite everything, every failure and transgression, you still love me. For all the comfort, the love, the embraces I wish to have, you fulfill all of such. Every contact, every touch does not compare to what you offer. I am so sorry for forgetting such.
Ilmater, help me. Help me become the vessel for your word. For your love, for your compassion, for your actions in this world. Remind me of why it matters. Remind me of why it's so important. Remind me of you.
I will shoulder those burdens once again. It is a small thing in comparison to help others. It is such an infintismal thing in comparison to seeing someone relieved. Someone comforted.
You calm my breath. You sooth my soul. You still my heart.
I kneel broken before you, and you uplift me once again. Thank you. Thank you so much."