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*bound in a leather booklet with the impression of a Sunite symbol on the cover*
I find myself reflecting on my past while I talked with Darius today, my family, what was expected of me, how I came to Sundren, many things I have experienced here, I realize I have seen far more than most ever will. I felt more pain and sorrow that would have been imagined for my life by my parents, I've wiped gallons of tears off my friends cheeks, brought them back to their loved ones when their hearts fell still. Gave loving hugs and kisses to them when they were down, warm words of encouragement when needed, the kindness of a gentle complement when I see them. I find myself able to smile even at my imperfection that my banite encounter had left me. I still bare the scar left the night Iosolde saved my life, and why my life was so complicated and filled with a double life until recently.
Some how, I still find myself able to smile, I can still find the light when surrounded in darkness because I create my own. I don't think I'm wrong when I think that. It's not that I live in some fantasy world where everything will be OK. I think I am the only one that knows how to still find the small happy things in life when everything is falling around me. How to find those good things and hold on to them as everything turns to ruin. I look at Darius and see in him what happens when you loose sight of the good things in life, when all you see is the unbridled weight of the world bearing down upon you and all your enemies are those that you see. I am doing what I can to bring him my light, to show him not all is lost. I know when I succeed, because a small smile forms at the ends of his lips, and it warms my heart to see that.
I love Darius when he smiles, to see him even slightly happy, to know that I, in some way, helped ease his burden in the slightest. I've seen his heart, I seen what Johanna did to it. It's not that he is hurt from Johanna's disloyalty, its that he is afraid to place his heart out again for someone to love. They say a paladin is fearless, but I think a broken heart knows the fear of breaking again, and that can pierce anyone's fearlessness. He wants to wait, and I will respect that. Not that I am used to being turned down, being the most beautiful woman in the land has that effect. I think it was the way in which he told me he wanted to just be friends for the moment, and the way he described his feelings for Johanna currently. how he feels something, however that feeling is just empty, like a ghost of what was and will never be again.
I am honest when I tell him that I just want to see him happy, even if he doesn't choose me. I want him to choose me of course, I want him to love me the way I love him, but if he chose another, and I knew he would be happy with her, I wouldn't stop him. I'd continue to be his friend, his confidant, and his adviser in all things romantic to help spur his relationship. Would I be heartbroken? yes, but I would recover, as I always have, for I have Lady Firehair, and she loves me, and I, her.
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