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Way back when on a different server a few years ago I tried to set up a dodgy salesman character by the name of Harke Enburr, a snakeoil style salesman crossed with a hint of Del boy and the the evil cockney from 'The Mighty Boosh'
I knocked up a huuuuge list of daft, pointless, dangerous or comic items, for the sake of amusement, I trimmed it down to this lot for the other server. I'd happily make custom icons and do the 2da's for these, if only to harrang people at Exigo with my suspect sales patter..
These are a few of them, a lot of these are based on real historical things, certainly the medicines and things like the glue and make-up.
So, for the sake of entertainment you fine ladies and gentlemen of the crowd, roll up your ears and feast your eyes up on the manifold glories of Harke's Worldly and Esoteric travelling emporium.
...
Household Wonders:
Harke's custom 'Elf-be-gone':
Problem with elves? Won't stop tutting at your music or criticising your latest hair do? These fun faced clay cups hand made by a tame tribe of orcs are foul enough to make most real art lovers leave the room in disgust, great for shocking diner guests or as a present for your mother in law!
Emperors Drinks set!
You’ll look ready to entertain the most powerful in the land with your own gold food service. Crafted only by genuine certified elves this fine set off cups and platters will have all of your neighbours shaking with envy. Made from the finest lead with gold effect coating it even feels like the real thing at an affordable price!
Insta-Bard:
This fantastic musical device is a wonder to behold. A thin bamboo tube with a hole on top and at the rear. Simply blow through the front reed and marvel at its duck-like sound. Great for cheap entertainment and is almost guaranteed to keep even the most musically challenged person happy. It’s a Kazoo, the musical instrument of doom
Lucky Horseshoes:
Collected fresh the day after battles from the finest looking horses, these solid shoes bring luck, charm and a fresh equine look to any dwelling.
Make up:
Our fresh looking range of make ups are suitable for any occasion, giving your skin skin a fresh clear healthy look. Available in a range of tones and hues from bright red blusher to the palest foundation. Made in three distinct types depending on your budget, from our cheapest lead set, medium lard base and finest paraffin.
A variety of face and body enhancing powders are also available in a choice of colour.
Why not also get one of our fine rabbits foot make up brushes. Now available with lacquered steel mirror casing.
Fur coats:
Mink fur out of your price range? Want to look dapper with the latest cut in fashion? Our twin lines of badger and cat skin coats might be for you! Tailored to a high standard these coats are hard wearing and great looking. Available in a choice of sizes.
Everstick:
Elves shattered your favourite jug? Goblins broken your stool? Worry no more for with a our special mixture of pigeon egg and mortar it’ll be back solid in no time at all. Great at mending your nicest leather and finest goods.
Ink:
Our finest Vellum ink is a wonder for all occasions, made from finest crushed oak gall, vinegar and iron salts this little mix will bite its way into almost anything, be it leaving your written legacy on paper, or in someone else’s kidneys.
That’s right folks! More than just a writing aid this inks also suitable for internal use, its high acidity makes it a great poison!
Vellum:
The finest hide treated and stretched for you to leave your mark on!
Arrows of piercing:
Scared of magic? Allergy to the weave? Problems with armoured fiends? Then worry no more for salvations at hand. These fine arrows crafted by our own dwarven team are made to punch through the hardest of skin! No magic guaranteed!
Long thin bodkins were used to punch arrows through both plate and chainmail. Fairly useless against wildlife and un-armoured targets as the arrow would simply pass straight through
The wonders of science!
Oral hygiene:
Tired of having people cower away when you speak? Tired of feeling like a clerics cast cause disease in your mouth? With these simple tips and tonics you’ll feel like a courtier every day;
Mouth wash:
Two sprigs of dried mint boiled in white wine then cooled and left to sit for a week. A tart but refreshing mouthwash that leaves the breath fresher than an elemental wind.
Tooth and gum paste:
Fresh marjoram and mint ground together in a mortar and pestle to create a thick gummy paste, rubbed on to the teeth with a sprig of fresh mint then washed away with fresh clean water, this’ll leave even the least serviced barbarians mouth feeling cleaner than a dandy elf’s dinner service.
Teeth whitener:
Your grin matching the colour of your horses smile? Want your teeth to make a statement that’s as white as your intentions? Several handfuls of finest sage ground together with salt. Briefly cooked then mixed with water to make a paste that both refreshes and makes teeth shine.
Ladies Maladies:
Harke’s own unique maiden pads are sure to alleviate the worries of the ladies monthly periodical. Dried sphagnum moss infused with mint and sage held between two ply of finest cotton. Simply place in your undergarments and worry no more about freshness or leaks!
Ladies preventatives:
Missed a monthly? Unwanted accident while worshipping Sharess? Don’t visit a judgemental cleric or some back street butcher, simply use Harke’s own secret silphium and pennyroyal recipe tablets and let your body take care of its self. No more crossbow weddings! No questions asked! Causes foetal re-absorption in humans and most other mammals.
Male protectives:
Sheath your mighty weapon in one of our finest rams gut sheaths. All of the pleasure with none of the worry! Also available with oil of slipperiness coating.
Male aid:
Don’t want to approach a cleric about problems in the bedroom? Can’t get the little emperor ready to invade any more? Our secret mix of Dyers rocket, milk and other herbs will solve your problems! With this wonderful medicine the red helmeted adventurer will be back exploring caves in no time!
For the ladies who’d like a night off for once then simply use our flower and ale mixture and watch as the fearsome dragon become more of a shrivelled newt.
I knocked up a huuuuge list of daft, pointless, dangerous or comic items, for the sake of amusement, I trimmed it down to this lot for the other server. I'd happily make custom icons and do the 2da's for these, if only to harrang people at Exigo with my suspect sales patter..
These are a few of them, a lot of these are based on real historical things, certainly the medicines and things like the glue and make-up.
So, for the sake of entertainment you fine ladies and gentlemen of the crowd, roll up your ears and feast your eyes up on the manifold glories of Harke's Worldly and Esoteric travelling emporium.
...
Household Wonders:
Harke's custom 'Elf-be-gone':
Problem with elves? Won't stop tutting at your music or criticising your latest hair do? These fun faced clay cups hand made by a tame tribe of orcs are foul enough to make most real art lovers leave the room in disgust, great for shocking diner guests or as a present for your mother in law!
Emperors Drinks set!
You’ll look ready to entertain the most powerful in the land with your own gold food service. Crafted only by genuine certified elves this fine set off cups and platters will have all of your neighbours shaking with envy. Made from the finest lead with gold effect coating it even feels like the real thing at an affordable price!
Insta-Bard:
This fantastic musical device is a wonder to behold. A thin bamboo tube with a hole on top and at the rear. Simply blow through the front reed and marvel at its duck-like sound. Great for cheap entertainment and is almost guaranteed to keep even the most musically challenged person happy. It’s a Kazoo, the musical instrument of doom
Lucky Horseshoes:
Collected fresh the day after battles from the finest looking horses, these solid shoes bring luck, charm and a fresh equine look to any dwelling.
Make up:
Our fresh looking range of make ups are suitable for any occasion, giving your skin skin a fresh clear healthy look. Available in a range of tones and hues from bright red blusher to the palest foundation. Made in three distinct types depending on your budget, from our cheapest lead set, medium lard base and finest paraffin.
A variety of face and body enhancing powders are also available in a choice of colour.
Why not also get one of our fine rabbits foot make up brushes. Now available with lacquered steel mirror casing.
Fur coats:
Mink fur out of your price range? Want to look dapper with the latest cut in fashion? Our twin lines of badger and cat skin coats might be for you! Tailored to a high standard these coats are hard wearing and great looking. Available in a choice of sizes.
Everstick:
Elves shattered your favourite jug? Goblins broken your stool? Worry no more for with a our special mixture of pigeon egg and mortar it’ll be back solid in no time at all. Great at mending your nicest leather and finest goods.
Ink:
Our finest Vellum ink is a wonder for all occasions, made from finest crushed oak gall, vinegar and iron salts this little mix will bite its way into almost anything, be it leaving your written legacy on paper, or in someone else’s kidneys.
That’s right folks! More than just a writing aid this inks also suitable for internal use, its high acidity makes it a great poison!
Vellum:
The finest hide treated and stretched for you to leave your mark on!
Arrows of piercing:
Scared of magic? Allergy to the weave? Problems with armoured fiends? Then worry no more for salvations at hand. These fine arrows crafted by our own dwarven team are made to punch through the hardest of skin! No magic guaranteed!
Long thin bodkins were used to punch arrows through both plate and chainmail. Fairly useless against wildlife and un-armoured targets as the arrow would simply pass straight through
The wonders of science!
Oral hygiene:
Tired of having people cower away when you speak? Tired of feeling like a clerics cast cause disease in your mouth? With these simple tips and tonics you’ll feel like a courtier every day;
Mouth wash:
Two sprigs of dried mint boiled in white wine then cooled and left to sit for a week. A tart but refreshing mouthwash that leaves the breath fresher than an elemental wind.
Tooth and gum paste:
Fresh marjoram and mint ground together in a mortar and pestle to create a thick gummy paste, rubbed on to the teeth with a sprig of fresh mint then washed away with fresh clean water, this’ll leave even the least serviced barbarians mouth feeling cleaner than a dandy elf’s dinner service.
Teeth whitener:
Your grin matching the colour of your horses smile? Want your teeth to make a statement that’s as white as your intentions? Several handfuls of finest sage ground together with salt. Briefly cooked then mixed with water to make a paste that both refreshes and makes teeth shine.
Ladies Maladies:
Harke’s own unique maiden pads are sure to alleviate the worries of the ladies monthly periodical. Dried sphagnum moss infused with mint and sage held between two ply of finest cotton. Simply place in your undergarments and worry no more about freshness or leaks!
Ladies preventatives:
Missed a monthly? Unwanted accident while worshipping Sharess? Don’t visit a judgemental cleric or some back street butcher, simply use Harke’s own secret silphium and pennyroyal recipe tablets and let your body take care of its self. No more crossbow weddings! No questions asked! Causes foetal re-absorption in humans and most other mammals.
Male protectives:
Sheath your mighty weapon in one of our finest rams gut sheaths. All of the pleasure with none of the worry! Also available with oil of slipperiness coating.
Male aid:
Don’t want to approach a cleric about problems in the bedroom? Can’t get the little emperor ready to invade any more? Our secret mix of Dyers rocket, milk and other herbs will solve your problems! With this wonderful medicine the red helmeted adventurer will be back exploring caves in no time!
For the ladies who’d like a night off for once then simply use our flower and ale mixture and watch as the fearsome dragon become more of a shrivelled newt.