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“Man, what a day.”
One heavily armoured figure, emblazoned with the trappings of Bane slumped onto a spare barstool in the dingy rec room of the Black Hand fortress.
“Get the group together barkeep, my two best friends: Johnny Walker and Jim Beam.”
The bar-zombie grunted and shuffled away. The figure to the right of the Banite chuckled.
“Johnny and Jim’re your best friends? Vadius, Whatever happened to me?”
“Realised you’re an asshole Trissotin, an absolute asshole”
“I do my best. It’s not like serving Mrykul’s will is a shortcut to social graces.”
The zombie returned with two bottles, thudding them onto the counter with a dull grunt. It eyed the men briefly then shuffled away.
“Bad day then Vad?”
“The normal really, bunch of adventurers did for the last batch of dead in the hills. Had to pop down there with a couple of peons and help them get their act together. Seriously, this is happening so often now it’s beyond a joke.”
“I hear you there brother. Pain in the arse having to waste power on the same old same old. To easy to get stuck in a rut.”
“A rut? Yeah. Trapped in the mud of ineptitude, surrounded by a sea of mediocrity.”
Trissotin, the Myrkulite, poured two glasses of whisky.
“Cheer up man, get this down you. You’ll be back to oppressing properly before long. Maybe you just need to shine your boots a bit more, get that cloak re-dyed and those armour spikes sharpened.”
“Dress to oppress? Mmm.. Guess I should. Look good, feel good. Right?”
“Well, look evil, feel fantastic.”
“Man, talking of feeling good, there was this one young adventuress today. Perky did not do her justice. She was more at attention than a well drilled phalanx of Lord Bane’s finest.”
“Still on your dry spell huh? You manage to get her inn room number or anything?”
“Nah, Mungo ate her face. Thought it was a lost cause after that.”
“Shame, it can be hard to meet a nice girl around here.”
“Hard? It’s damn impossible! I mean, for a start we live in a giant tower in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by lava and tangled forest. What kind of first impression does that give?”
“That we’ve got great structural engineers?”
“Huh? No. It’s symbolic isn’t it, essentially we live in a giant cock, surrounded by a raw STD.”
“You can catch genital lava?”
“Metaphor. You know, red, burning, looks a bit sore.”
“Ah. Right. To be honest, since I became part undead I’ve lost a lot of my sex drive.”
“Lost or fallen off?”
“Bit of both.”
“Right…”
“Anyway, sounds like you just need to get your end away, calm yourself down a bit. Go see that drow girl, they’re always supposed to be up for it.”
“Drow? You kidding me? They freak me out. People aren’t supposed to enjoy oppression and violence. Takes all the fun out of it if you’re being all mean and they’re asking for more. Besides, already had one drow. It didn’t end well.
“No? What happened?”
“She kept screaming for me to pound her harder, faster, deeper, hurt her. That kind of thing. I got a bit carried away.”
“I’m scared to ask. Carried away?”
“Yeah. I hit her with a shovel.”
“…”
“What? She said hurt her.”
“I worry about you man. I really do.”
One heavily armoured figure, emblazoned with the trappings of Bane slumped onto a spare barstool in the dingy rec room of the Black Hand fortress.
“Get the group together barkeep, my two best friends: Johnny Walker and Jim Beam.”
The bar-zombie grunted and shuffled away. The figure to the right of the Banite chuckled.
“Johnny and Jim’re your best friends? Vadius, Whatever happened to me?”
“Realised you’re an asshole Trissotin, an absolute asshole”
“I do my best. It’s not like serving Mrykul’s will is a shortcut to social graces.”
The zombie returned with two bottles, thudding them onto the counter with a dull grunt. It eyed the men briefly then shuffled away.
“Bad day then Vad?”
“The normal really, bunch of adventurers did for the last batch of dead in the hills. Had to pop down there with a couple of peons and help them get their act together. Seriously, this is happening so often now it’s beyond a joke.”
“I hear you there brother. Pain in the arse having to waste power on the same old same old. To easy to get stuck in a rut.”
“A rut? Yeah. Trapped in the mud of ineptitude, surrounded by a sea of mediocrity.”
Trissotin, the Myrkulite, poured two glasses of whisky.
“Cheer up man, get this down you. You’ll be back to oppressing properly before long. Maybe you just need to shine your boots a bit more, get that cloak re-dyed and those armour spikes sharpened.”
“Dress to oppress? Mmm.. Guess I should. Look good, feel good. Right?”
“Well, look evil, feel fantastic.”
“Man, talking of feeling good, there was this one young adventuress today. Perky did not do her justice. She was more at attention than a well drilled phalanx of Lord Bane’s finest.”
“Still on your dry spell huh? You manage to get her inn room number or anything?”
“Nah, Mungo ate her face. Thought it was a lost cause after that.”
“Shame, it can be hard to meet a nice girl around here.”
“Hard? It’s damn impossible! I mean, for a start we live in a giant tower in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by lava and tangled forest. What kind of first impression does that give?”
“That we’ve got great structural engineers?”
“Huh? No. It’s symbolic isn’t it, essentially we live in a giant cock, surrounded by a raw STD.”
“You can catch genital lava?”
“Metaphor. You know, red, burning, looks a bit sore.”
“Ah. Right. To be honest, since I became part undead I’ve lost a lot of my sex drive.”
“Lost or fallen off?”
“Bit of both.”
“Right…”
“Anyway, sounds like you just need to get your end away, calm yourself down a bit. Go see that drow girl, they’re always supposed to be up for it.”
“Drow? You kidding me? They freak me out. People aren’t supposed to enjoy oppression and violence. Takes all the fun out of it if you’re being all mean and they’re asking for more. Besides, already had one drow. It didn’t end well.
“No? What happened?”
“She kept screaming for me to pound her harder, faster, deeper, hurt her. That kind of thing. I got a bit carried away.”
“I’m scared to ask. Carried away?”
“Yeah. I hit her with a shovel.”
“…”
“What? She said hurt her.”
“I worry about you man. I really do.”